How Not to Sell a Used Car

About a year ago, I began up a 4-month odyssey – buying a first car for my then-17 year old son. We started with some parameters – he wanted a sedan with an automatic transmission and room for his guitar in the trunk. My wife and I wanted a safe, mid-sized car with airbags, ABS and other safety features. So, we were on the same page as my son and I thought the car-buying process would be a piece of cake. It was. It was the car-FINDING process that was a bear!

So I will set forth a few guidelines for those of you that are considering selling your car, based on my recent experiences. Many of these sound like common sense – but believe me, common sense seems to be lacking in many people who have the ‘best car in the world’ to sell!

1) Actually clean the car! An exterior wash is great,

and also maybe shampoo the carpets and seats,

or at least wipe up any stains that could remind a

potential buyer of a fluid from the human body.

2) Clean the trash out of the car. For example, if

you have to move piles of coffee-stained papers

(that end up being the receipts for work done on the

car) from the front seat so that one can actually sit in

it, then you probably should have invested in a box of

Hefty industrial-size bags. Oh, and don’t leave the garbage

bag on the back seat where the empty Doritios bags and

Coke cans ferment. Which brings us to the next guideline….

3) Remove any really bag smelling interior deodorizers. I mean,

the little pine tree hanging from the rearview mirror is okay,

but anything pink or yellow really should not be used in a car

interior. Especially a GUY’S car interior.

4) Be available for people to actually look at your car! Nothing like

making an appointment to look at a car only to ge an e-mail an

hour before (if you even see it) canceling the appointment but

advising that you can view the car ‘anytime before 9:00 am

Monday or after 5:00 pm Thursday’….. The corollary to this is…..

5) When you advertise the car as being in East Buttcheek, it should

actually BE in East Butt cheek and not in Middle Botswana, which is

20 miles away from East Buttcheek!

6) If, for some reason, you re-advertise the car a few days after the

initial ad, the purchase price should generally be consistent or lower.

NOT higher. And it should not continue to increase every time you

advertise the car!

Postscript: The car lasted all of 3 months before my son wrecked it during a Nor’easter….. Fortunately, he was fine. But we had to go buy another used car……

British Car Sounds

Note: This article was originally published in the May/June 2006 edition of the MGB Driver, the magazine of the North American MGB Register. djd

This afternoon, I picked out a nice spot along a fence on Rifle Ford Rd watching the cars leaving the British Car Day at Smokey Glen Farm in Gaithersburg, Maryland. The day was perfect - low 70’s for temperature, puffy clouds overhead, little humidity. The spot I chose was about 6 feet above the road level, at the top of a small rise, about 1/4 mile from where the cars exiting the show turn onto the road. Most of the cars seemed to shift into 4^th gear just where I was, so I had the opportunity to hear the cars winding out in second and third as the came up the incline. Wow! The sounds combined with the smell of Castrol were intoxicating....

I’ve recently been trying to get to shows early or stay late, to see the cars on the move.... This is really the point of them, right?? There were a number of trailers in the parking lot, and some of the cars that came up the hill turned left into the parking lot, to be loaded on their trailers, I suppose. But there were plenty of expensive-looking E-Types burbling their way up the hill and past the entrance to the ‘trailer park’...

The sounds - while there are slight variances due to exhaust systems, you can definitely pick out the unique characteristics of each car. It’s kind of like buying a house - you must look past the decorations and furniture to figure out the house’s essential character. It’s the same with our British Cars - once you get past differences in carbueration, engine tuning and exhaust, an MGB always has the underlying refined burble to it (although at times they can sound flatulent, like the GM V6 or the ‘fart cans’ the kids put on their sport-compacts these days). And even though they all sound a little different, I bet I can pick out the ‘British’ sound if I were blindfolded and listening to a stream of cars roll by…. There is something unique aboout the British sports car sound. My neighbor has an Alfa Romeo Spider, and it doesn’t sound British in the least.

As a contrast, several examples of expensive modern cars also rolled by - the Porsche 911 sounded very whirry, all fan noise and rattle, while the newer Jaguars kind of whished by - although the XJ sedans still had that undercurrent of low burble - just buried under all of the ancillaries, I suspect..... The Corvettes rumbled by, but again, compared to the V8 in the Daimler SP250 ‘Dart’ - no comparison. Again, I suspect ancillaries and too much muffling in the Corvette! The new MINI immediately following two ‘old’ Mini’s was an interesting juxtaposition of sounds - what a difference! Whereas the ‘old’ Minis emitted a high-pitched rasp, the new MINI made absolutely no sound - nothing made it stand out at all. Very disappointing. They got a freer-flowing exhaust on the very extensive option list??

Just as there is a difference in ‘reputation’ between the MG and the Triumph, there is a marked difference in sound. As you’re probably aware, the MGB is considered ‘refined’ whereas the Triumph is considered ‘racy’ - the connotation seems to be that the MGB is slower but well built and roomier, while the Triumph is faster but lighter and leaves parts in its wake! (I don’t truly know or care, I love ‘em both). From a sound perspective, the MGB tends to have a lower, more refined rumble, to my ear, while the Triumph engine note is one of slightly more excitement and ‘rasping’, a ‘hurry up, let’s get going’ type of demeanor - Tally-ho! The MGB seems to be saying, ‘whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here’. More of a stiff-upper-lip....

I always liked British 6-cylinder engines, typified by the Big Healey and the TR-6. They have a sound all their own – stately, refined, yet with that throaty rumble that indicates they are just loafing along but they’ll be there when you need ‘em…. The BMW 6-cylinder in my cousin’s 535i makes a similar sound but seems more in control – more efficient, cool, not quite as fun-loving, perhaps. And no gear whine in the Bimmer, either…..

Here is my little summary of the cars I heard –

Triumph TR6 - throaty ripping - Look out, here I come!

MGB - refined burble

Daimler SP250 ‘Dart’ - serious V8 burble but not American-V8-sounding

Austin Healey - 6-cylinder – throaty, low-pitched rumble

Jaguar - twin-cam 6 cylinder - low, expensive-sounding burble - a little louder when installed in an E-Type but still noticeable in late-model sedans

Aston Martin DB5 - smooth, refined rumble

MG T - rorty - whatever that means – but it describes the sound perfectly!

Mini (old) - high-pitched rasp

MINI (new) - hushed....

Triumph GT6 - smooth rasping

Sunbeam Tiger - American V8 rumble

Triumph TR3 - excited ripping

Any British car, parked – drip, drip, drip….

Why New Jersey Hates Cars

First off, let me state that although I am not a native New Jerseyian, in the 10 years I have lived here, I have come to tolerate it. (New Jersey is really more a state of mind than an actual physical place, although if you look at page 66 of my 2006 Rand-McNally atlas, you will indeed see a multicolored picture of a state claiming to be New Jersey.) But I digress.

The roads are not designed for cars in New Jersey. Have you heard of jughandles? No, those are not the protruding lumps of flab that stick out from your side, and I’m not talking ears. Jughandles are the way you turn left by going right in New Jersey. In other words, to make a left-hand turn, you must bear to the right on a curving road where you will just miss the green light to cross and therefore have to wait 10 minutes for it to change back to green.

Not a difficult concept to understand, and not a bad idea. The problem is that frequently, there are no jughandles and to turn left, you actually ‘turn left’! This maddening lack of consistency causes you to have to straddle several lanes of traffic as you approach an intersection, until it becomes clear where you must go – whether to dart right to use a jughandle or shoot left to get into a left-turn lane. This causes many two-lane roads to become one-lane roads as drivers straddle both lanes in an attempt to keep their options open. Of course, if by some chance you cannot dart over to the right to use the jughandle and decide, ‘No biggie, I’ll just take the jughandle at the next intersection’, well, of course, the next intersection will have a left-turn lane which you will miss because you’re in the right-hand lane (behind a straddler) so you can get into the jughandle which isn’t there…. This could continue until you reach Bergen County or Delaware, depending upon your direction of travel.

Of course, you won’t know that you’re in Bergen County or Delaware because the signs indicating your location are probably faded to the point of obscurity. When I moved into the state, I wondered for months why they went to the trouble of hanging these large greenish-whitish boards next to the stoplights or on poles at intersections. Then a native told me they were the faded street signs. Oh.

Speaking of signs, New Jersey has a system of secondary roads that are maintained by each separate county (21 of them in NJ). These roads are marked by highly-visible dark blue signs with Gulden’s mustard-colored lettering, and they are approximately 12 inches by 12 inches in size and generally behind overgrown roadside vegetation. The Route numbers generally don’t show up on popular navigation sites such as MapQuest or Google Maps. The roads occasionally change route numbers when you cross a county line, and are more generally known by their street names (which also change). So, if you’re driving on Route 613 in Monroe, it will also be known more commonly as Spotswood-Englishtown Road in Spotswood or Devoe Avenue (also in Spotswood), depending on where you are. If you’re driving through Jamesburg and take a left onto County Route 612, it starts as Pergola and ends a few miles later as Matchaponix. Yet no one refers to it as Route 612! And while Beach Avenue in Cape May maintains it’s name on it’s entire length, because it is interrupted by erosion in the center, the part to the east is called West Beach Ave, while the part to the west is called plain old Beach Ave.

One of the major north-south roads in New Jersey is the Garden State Parkway. Being a Parkway, it is cars-only, no trucks. Umm, except for coach buses, which apparently are cars and not trucks. Except that they are extremely wide and the lanes on the GSP are slightly narrower than the norm (and your average full-size pick-up truck). Also, there are numerous bridges crossing the GSP, many of them an attractive stone-arched design. Of course, the height of the archway is tallest in the middle, so you can be cruising down the middle lane of the GSP at a leisurely 75, being passed like you’re standing still, when a bus blows by you. If you’re approaching one of these bridges, you need to immediately slow down as the bus will slew into your middle lane to ensure it will clear the bridge. Of course, since you’re struggling to just stay in your lane because of the wake turbulence generated by the bus, it’s usually not an issue.

It is apparently a statute that all new developments in New Jersey have curbs made from Belgian block, which is a rough squared-off stone intended to decorate the side of the road and provide multiple, daily opportunities to shred tires and wheels. No other area I have lived in has as much of this miserable stuff. Having personally holed a tire when parking (albeit badly) at a doctor’s office, I can attest for the dangers inherent in Belgian block curbing. All four of the wheels on my Audi are marked, to various degrees, by their encounters with the curbs around the state. Because they even use it at the end of the driveway, I have a 3-inch lip that I have to negotiate just to park in my driveway (which I generally do looking over my shoulder to see if the neighborhood teens are screaming around the corner in their riced-up Civics as I inch my way up the lip).

Have you ever gassed-up in New Jersey? No, I’m not talking about the late, great Dayton Diner but our filling station industry. You know, the ones where you’re never allowed to pump your own gas? Admittedly, when it’s 10 degrees and the wind is howling, it’s certainly a benefit. But mostly it’s a curse to those of us that don’t like the sides of our cars stained and paint peeling from overflows and drips of gasoline from ham-handed pump jockeys. Or asking for premium and getting a tank full of regular rot-gut and having to live with the mistake through 350 rough-running miles. Or wondering why exactly they need your credit card when they start pumping, if not to run off 73 copies of illegal cards now sporting your credit card number. Or having to try to communicate with the Sikhs that invariably own most of the gas stations in New Jersey.

One of the most exciting aspects of driving in New Jersey is the new driver’s road test. This is done on a road course set up next to specific Motor Vehicle Commission offices. The potential driver gets to navigate this road course with an evaluator sitting in the passenger’s seat, while the parent paces up and down on the walkway outside the test building, watching this process proceed, muttering under his breath ‘Use your blinker, use your blinker!’ ‘Slow down!’ Look both ways at the stop sign!’ And finally, the parallel parking! ‘Cut the wheel! Cut the wheel! Now the other way! No! NO! Too sharp an angle! Arghhh!’ I’m sure they have a defibrillator on site.

New Jersey is a wonderful place to live and visit, as long as you don’t have to drive there.

How Not to Change a Tire on an Audi

1) Create need to change tire buy running over some metal shit in the
   road on the way to the doctor's.

2) Look at tire, determine that chunk of rubber gouged out in sidewall
   indeed indicates a tire change.

3) Go to doctor's appointment. Get a finger up your butt. Try not to
   admit that it felt kind of okay.

4) Remove all implements from trunk - spare tire (full size, weighs
   about 30 pounds and must be lifted up from housing using ONLY your
   lower back muscles).

5) Stretch lower back and think about going back to doctor's office and
  having him look at your back. But then you remember he only works lower
  down and bag it. And you didn't REALLY enjoy it. Only a little...

6) Read instructions. None of the pictures match the wheels actually
   installed on the car.

7) Remove decorative lug nut covers with special tool included in tool
   kit.

8) Use screwdriver in tool kit to remove decorative lug nut covers as
   the special tool isn't in there. Scratch rims while bending plastic
   decorative lug nut covers and making them useless for the future.
   Swear a bit. And sweat. Loosen lug nuts.

9) Jack up car using stupid scissors jack. Get grease on hands and
   shirt.

10) Remove lug nuts. Find out that 'nuts' are actually 'bolts'.

11) Swear (and sweat) some more when tire will not come off hub.
    Thinking that maybe something else is holding it on, use screwdriver
    to remove center cap and render it also useless for future use. Nothing
    else under there.

11) Kick tire around perimeter to try and loosen it. Watch while car
    sways on stupid jack. Lower car until tire is just touching the ground,
    kick it some more. Doesn't help but feels good until my toe starts hurting.
    Think about going back into doctor's office. (No, really, I DIDN'T enjoy
    it...)

12) When wheel comes off unexpectedly, make sure your foot is directly
     underneath it so you prevent the 30 pound tire from being damaged by
     hitting the ground. Swear (and sweat) some more. Hmmm, back to the
     doctor's office? (Umm, no, not even a little bit...)

13) Balance tire with one hand while trying to line up lug bolt into a
    hole you cannot see. Bolt goes in crooked and won't come out.

14) Repeat step 13 using a second and third bolt.

15) Get the fourth bolt to go in so you can now stop balancing the 30
     pound wheel on the toes you earlier injured (see steps 11 and 12
     above).

16) Restart the other bolts, which now slide in like they are greased.

17) Lower car, tighten lug bolts, throw all the crap haphazardly into
    the trunk. Listen to jack rattle against some shit all the way home.

18) Be sure you clean off all of the dirt and grease from the steering
     wheel and shift knob - and remember to put the gloves (that you took
     out this past friggin' week-end to do some shit around the yard) back in
     the trunk.

And under no circumstances should you call AAA for assistance. This is
the same as stopping to ask for directions when you're not-really lost.

First Post!

Well, this is my third blog, and this one is intended to be a forum for my personal opinions, thoughts and miscellaneous ramblings about cars and the auto industry. I'm a car nut going way back and figured I would subject the Internet to my musings on the topic. So stay tuned and send me an e-mail if you like. I'm always willing to talk about cars!

Dan