How Not to Change a Tire on an Audi

1) Create need to change tire buy running over some metal shit in the
   road on the way to the doctor's.

2) Look at tire, determine that chunk of rubber gouged out in sidewall
   indeed indicates a tire change.

3) Go to doctor's appointment. Get a finger up your butt. Try not to
   admit that it felt kind of okay.

4) Remove all implements from trunk - spare tire (full size, weighs
   about 30 pounds and must be lifted up from housing using ONLY your
   lower back muscles).

5) Stretch lower back and think about going back to doctor's office and
  having him look at your back. But then you remember he only works lower
  down and bag it. And you didn't REALLY enjoy it. Only a little...

6) Read instructions. None of the pictures match the wheels actually
   installed on the car.

7) Remove decorative lug nut covers with special tool included in tool
   kit.

8) Use screwdriver in tool kit to remove decorative lug nut covers as
   the special tool isn't in there. Scratch rims while bending plastic
   decorative lug nut covers and making them useless for the future.
   Swear a bit. And sweat. Loosen lug nuts.

9) Jack up car using stupid scissors jack. Get grease on hands and
   shirt.

10) Remove lug nuts. Find out that 'nuts' are actually 'bolts'.

11) Swear (and sweat) some more when tire will not come off hub.
    Thinking that maybe something else is holding it on, use screwdriver
    to remove center cap and render it also useless for future use. Nothing
    else under there.

11) Kick tire around perimeter to try and loosen it. Watch while car
    sways on stupid jack. Lower car until tire is just touching the ground,
    kick it some more. Doesn't help but feels good until my toe starts hurting.
    Think about going back into doctor's office. (No, really, I DIDN'T enjoy
    it...)

12) When wheel comes off unexpectedly, make sure your foot is directly
     underneath it so you prevent the 30 pound tire from being damaged by
     hitting the ground. Swear (and sweat) some more. Hmmm, back to the
     doctor's office? (Umm, no, not even a little bit...)

13) Balance tire with one hand while trying to line up lug bolt into a
    hole you cannot see. Bolt goes in crooked and won't come out.

14) Repeat step 13 using a second and third bolt.

15) Get the fourth bolt to go in so you can now stop balancing the 30
     pound wheel on the toes you earlier injured (see steps 11 and 12
     above).

16) Restart the other bolts, which now slide in like they are greased.

17) Lower car, tighten lug bolts, throw all the crap haphazardly into
    the trunk. Listen to jack rattle against some shit all the way home.

18) Be sure you clean off all of the dirt and grease from the steering
     wheel and shift knob - and remember to put the gloves (that you took
     out this past friggin' week-end to do some shit around the yard) back in
     the trunk.

And under no circumstances should you call AAA for assistance. This is
the same as stopping to ask for directions when you're not-really lost.